Blogging has taken a turn for the worst since I got back to work. Not because I enjoy it any less, but because my time is so precious I feel like I owe it all to the kids.
Actually I’m loving work, I’m loving the fact that I’m using my brain again and that I have a full lunch break to read my book! I mean it’s a dream! It was definitely the right time to go back, plus I’m learning a lot too so it’s really good for my mental health. I think having a baby completely removes you from normality for such a long time that you do need to sort yourself our or focus yourself in some way. Everyone’s different but also kind of the same.
I got to the point that this morning I almost had a breakdown because of everything that I’d forgotten and how much that actually there is going on in life. Life is busy. It was busy before, but now it’s 100 miles an hour. I was completely overwhelmed, I didn’t think that these full three days that I was away would affect me or our life so much, but it really does.
So in the middle of this breakdown as my 4 year old was yelling, doing nothing that I asked her, I just looked at life for a second and the responsibilities rocketed out of control in my mind. I don’t know how I got here sometimes. I wonder if women in the past had these issues or if was just never talked about, I want to talk about hard times to make them better.
It’s got me looking into my life. Making plans for every weekend whether the kids will enjoy it or not. I need to get back to basics, basics of happiness for all included.
So decisions have been made from now on to stop making plans. Stop and give yourself a break Laura! No plans and house time and time to focus on family. I’m finding it really good writing things down, it’s giving me time to evaluate in my head much more than I used to. Not making time for writing has actually probably made all the good that it’s done go backwards again, which is not what I had planned for my mental health at all. So things will change and putting myself up a bit higher on my list of priorities will help.
My first big step was when one of my closest friends started to organise a birthday celebration and the other a weekend away, I was just staring at my phone, like I can’t do this. There is too much going on, I just can’t do this. So after thinking about it for a long time, I blurted out to them “I CAN’T DO THIS” hopefully in a nice way. What I was expecting could have been disappointment or confusion or anything, but all I got was love.
That love was enough, I felt it. Then today when I got back to the house there was an amazon parcel waiting for me full of beautiful bath and care products. I was thinking to myself, had I accidentally bought something on Amazon… my husband’s going to kill me, but no, what a wonderful surprise. I think you’ve won if you have nice, kind people round about you that care.
I’m feeling full of positivity for the coming months, not because I’m fully feeling better myself, but because I have a plan...