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Sometimes It's Hard

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As I sit here in silence, I don’t even know whether to write about my “hard” journey, others may not agree. They may be thinking how is your journey so hard, you have a husband who comes home at night, you have healthy and happy children and these things I am so grateful for you wouldn’t believe. Maybe I’m not as strong as I once thought I was, or maybe I just have a temper than I can’t control and these things throw me over the edge, where usually I would snap and go and shut myself in a room for a while, it’s impossible now. Even if I do get to the point of snapping, I still have to be around to fix the tears or the tantrum, or anything, you can’t leave.

Having my husband is amazing, he’s the calm to my storm. He manages to deal with tantrums like they’re not happening, change the conversation and eventually steer the mood the way he wants it to go. He’s amazing. Then there’s me, the moans and the tantrums every time asked to do something wear me down. They wear me down when I wish I could just close myself in the bathroom for an hour for me to calm down before I shout, but there’s no time for that. I end up shouting, she doesn’t seem to listen until my voice gets loud and I hate it.

Looking back, it’s how I remember my dad when I was small, and I always said I wouldn’t be like him as a parent. It’s hard when you can feel the same personality traits and you know you have the same short temper, whether hereditary or taught, it’s there. I’ve been thinking for a while I need to count to ten before I react to a fight or a meltdown, and it’s been going pretty well until today when all that we’ve had since the morning is literally a child screaming and melting down to the floor too floppy to pick up when asked to do anything. I asked her to get up and asked her why she was crying when all I asked her to do was get dressed, it was 12pm. She shouted at me “I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU” the same words I’d shouted to her earlier when her tantrum had been about suncream before she went outside, then she preceded to scream for a further hour making her sister scream as well until I shouted the above and sent her to her room still screaming. I always feel like she doesn’t listen to a word I say, but actually she’s listening and recording everything.

There have been a few things change for her recently and I know that these things are the cause of how badly she’s been behaving, but building up in the last year to this, it does seem like it’s been growing rather than a jump. I feel so bad getting so angry and it staying with me, and I do need to learn to let go and change the subject, it’s my next thing to do and I will do it. The jump from 3-5 is so big and really scary, especially when you’ve never had to deal with this kind of emotional behaviour before. And probably with someone who just wants to fight against you when you say no is all the harder. I’ve tried to stop saying no and just change the subject, I think the time will come that it’ll all be ok, things will relax, but just now I’m not sure how to relax.

It really hit me when she screamed back at me my words. I’m sure there are others who have done the same and please do let me know, as sometimes you do feel very alone, even with a husband and friends with kids, you just don’t know if you’re doing the right thing or being the right person for them.

Anyways, just a quick post as this morning I found it very hard, but just now I’m getting them ready and going swimming as we have to forget about the craziness, how they make you question yourself and just get on with it, because it’s all about them. Anything for them.

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