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Blank Canvas

Blank Canvas

I feel like this post may get a bit airy fairy from my side with the subject “you are the artist” but here goes.

Without focusing too much it makes me think of Lana Del Rey’s latest album. She’s become a slight obsession of mine, she was introduced to me by a close friend about 7 years ago and I’ve loved her ever since. It was a shock to me, seeing as I’m usually into soft rock, 80s music and a bit of Maddonna, she’s haunting I suppose has seen me through some less than shiny periods. In the song I’m thinking about she sings “you are the masters of your own fate, the captain of your own soul” and I remember thinking as I was listing “God that’s powerful and shit she’s right.”

I was going through a bit of a meltdown just as I went on maternity leave the last time thinking that I didn’t want to go back to my job. One of us had to go part time for the kids, and it ended up having to be me. With that in mind my job had started to suck my soul a bit and I knew with two children I wanted out more than ever. I had been doing it since longer than I remember and it had shaped me and turned me into the person I am today, though suddenly deciding that you don’t want to be that person anymore does make it a very confusing time full of blank canvases and your mind on override trying to remember who you are and what you’re actually here to do.

Looking after the children is of course number one for the foreseeable future with the kids being so young, but there does need to be a bit of dreaming on my part. Thinking back to all the aspects of what I did that I stopped enjoying, it made me realise that I have quite a lot of humility and would rather work in an industry that helps someone. In my old job, I had a lot of responsibility and a large team, sometimes on my own to manage, I stopped liking who I was turning into. Losing humility and care in return for someone to do their job well happy or not. I suppose it’s like that in any job, of course it is, but perhaps it needed a bit of both.

It doesn’t help that suddenly when you remove all that you know that you become confused. And wonder how you have created a world of confusion for yourself. Who knows where to go from here, but at the end of the day I am the artist. It’s up to me and knowing that its all for the right reasons makes it better.

Sometimes I think if you just look back you maybe knew things weren’t right for a while. I think if there’s any time to change and focus on things that might make a difference to others in a good way, there’s no time like now. Hopefully the future has some great artwork, I hope I throw some of the colours in there and I’m genuinely interested to see where the next 10 years go.

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